My name is
Agony Zir
and my friends and I are here to help
The Agony Zir service has been built and modelled around the agony aunt concept. Agony aunts or advice columns have been around for over 50 years and are typically found within newspapers or magazines in which readers write in to ask for advice concerning problems that they may be facing. Traditionally it was a woman that would write the agony aunt columns providing practical information and tips for readers.
Agony Zir is different, to start with zie is gender fluid and identifies with the gender pronouns Zie, Zim, Zir, Zis and Zieself. As someone who is experienced in life given their age, they can provide a unique perspective on problems you may be facing. Not only that, Agony Zir is not a comments board in which trolls can post mean or hurtful remarks, though anyone can reply to a question providing their personal take on the problem faced, it still needs to be submitted and assessed to ensure that it is not questionable, abusive or offensive. The service is designed to help and be a safe place to share ideas and concerns.
Agony Zir is here for you, so get in touch and let zir help…
Click on the question to reveal the answers
Dear John,
Thank you for your message, and coronavirus or Covid-19 pandemic is causing a lot of concern for everyone around the world.
I hope I can provide some insight into your question; however, I am not a medical professional, so if you want professional advice, it is advisable to speak to a trained medical professional or a doctor. HIV is an autoimmune disease, which means that the HIV virus attacks your immune system and makes people that are HIV positive prone to or easier to contract other diseases and infections. All people that are HIV positive should be careful and take precautions; however, those that have a low CD4 count should be extra careful. Everyone should follow some simple advice:
- Ensure that you have a sufficient supply of any prescribed medication, especially if you are required to self-isolate (so a minimum of 2 weeks supply)
- Wash your hands regularly with warm water and soap for at least 20 seconds each time
- Try to avoid touching your face, especially with unwashed hands
- Only go out if your trip is strictly necessary and avoid large gatherings
- If you are in an area within a high-concentration of Covid-19 cases, are you able to work from home? Have your groceries delivered? If you can isolate yourself from the risk of catching the virus, then this precaution might be worth considering
If you feel you have been exposed or have specific concerns, visit the Australian Government’s Department of Health website (https://www.health.gov.au/news/health-alerts/novel-coronavirus-2019-ncov-health-alert) for the latest developments and advice or call 1800 020 080
Update: There are many amazing resources out there, here are just a few:
- ARK Behavioural Health + - click here to read the COVID-19 Mental Health And Addiction Resources article
- Rehab4Addition - click here to read the Coronavirus: Guidance for Better Mental Health article
I know it is scary right now, but take precautions and reach out to specialists for tailored advice.
Love always
Dear Monica,
Thank you for your message and for sharing how you feel.
Typically, when you hear of coming out stories, it is often about how the person who came out was feeling and the initial reactions of those around them. Many people who are the recipients of the news worry about how they might come across, so they likely do not want to voice their feelings or concerns. Coming out for many is a frightening experience, especially as they are sharing something very personal about themselves, and they are likely fearful that they might be rejected by those they love the most. Though your support is important, that does not mean your feelings are not valid. For me, it is more about timing. On hearing the immediate news, it is vital that you reassure your child that they are loved, and nothing will change that, that you accept them for who they are, but also recognise that this is a journey. It is okay to have questions and even discuss your concerns, but maybe not immediately, it is often best to let the news sink in, deferring your questions for a time when the initial shock and feelings have calmed down.
As a parent, you want the best for your child; you want them to lead a happy and healthy life, enjoying their lives and being loved. Your daughter being lesbian is only a small part of who she is, and she will likely go on and enjoy all the things you had hoped for her. Many within the LGBTQ+ community can legally marry around the world, many have families of their own and of course, live long and happy lives. People’s views and perceptions have changed over the years; however, there are still countries and groups within society that will not accept your daughter and the way she lives her life. However, this problem is not one that just plagues the LGBTQ+ community, as there have always been groups that historically condemn or suppress people within society, either because of race, religion, gender or life choices. The truth is that your daughter is the same person, will carve out a life to suit her wants and needs, and she came out to you because she wants you to be part of that life. Speak to her, reach out to support groups such as PFLAG, which is a group that supports and consists of parents in similar situations to yourself. Your feelings are valid, and many parents have the same concerns and questions when a child comes out to them.
I wish you the best of luck and know I am always here for you if you have any further questions or concerns.
Love always
Dear Friend of Hapi,
Thank you for your question, and I am sorry you feel that way.
I know it is hard right now, but I can assure you that there is someone out there for you and you are not ugly. Unfortunately, the majority of applications tailor their services to specific audiences. Though you might not suit one audience, there will be an application that is perfect for you out there. I guess the other question is what you are looking for. If it is a relationship, then some of these types of apps might not be the best approach, however, if it is just for a hook-up, again there will be an app tailored to you and your needs. Many of the popular apps, are typically tailored towards younger, physically fit individuals, and many are only really looking for hook-ups, however, let us look at some other alternatives: -
- Growlr - designed for bears, polar bears, chubs and chasers
- BiggerCity – tailored for chubs, chasers and bears
- BlackPeopleMeet - intended for people from within the black community
- Silver Singles - for people over 50
- VGL - for twinks, twunks, jocks and pups
- Daddyhunt - for those younger looking for older
- 3Fun - for those looking for a threesome and swingers
- Recon - those seeking people with fetishes
- GDaddy - for those seeking sugar daddies
You can quickly and easily search for alternative dating websites and services using any of the popular search engines. Alternatively, have you thought about joining LGBT tailored groups or events in your local area. Often love appears when we least expect it and when you join one of the many sports groups, social events or support groups, you may meet someone that you were not expecting. Don’t give up or lose hope; you will find someone.
I wish you the best of luck and remember you are beautiful.
Love always
Dear Elias,
Thank you for your question, and I fully understand why you are concerned and nervous.
I know it is hard, but try not to worry or be scared Elias, I am here for you. The first question to ask yourself is how much do you know about the person you hooked up with, are you able to contact them? If they are STI (sexually transmitted infection) free, then a risk of infection dramatically reduces. If for example, they have an STI, then most are curable with a course of antibiotics, which you would need to consult a medical professional for help. For many within the LGBTQ+ community, the biggest fear is contracting HIV or AIDs. Most people will never go out and actively seek to contract HIV, however those that do, modern medicine has advanced so much that the virus can be controlled and maintained in such a way that people go on to live normal healthy lives, as it does mean what it once did. The signs of STIs are not always visible, and will only show up with a blood test; however, as I said, many are common and are treatable.
Do you have someone you can talk to and trust? If you have someone you can trust it would be good to tell them of your concerns and hopefully, they would be able to help you and offer you moral support. Some people are put off from going to their family doctor, but there are other options. There are many free clinics, walk-in clinics in which discretion is provided. If you need to have follow up treatment longer term, then you would likely have to tell your family doctor, but that would only be in the worst-case scenario. Often through being tested early, there are drugs such as PEP, which can be taken 72 hours after exposure which reduces the risk. Doctors and those in the medical profession are trained to help and support you through these types of situations, and they will be able to help put your mind at ease.
I hope that you can get closure to the situation and I wish you the best of luck.
Love always
Dear Jake,
Thank you for your question, and your problem is one that many people have gone through in their lives.
It is common for people to develop feelings for their best friends. Typically, your best friend is someone that knows you well, that knows things about you that no one else does and of course, accepts you for you are. Though your friend maybe all those things and more, it does not necessarily mean that they see you in the same way that you see them. Has your friend ever given you signals that they want more? Reading the signs, have your feelings for your friend developed because they have given you signals and signs that they want more? There is a possibility that your friend is struggling with their sexuality and might need time to come to terms with it. On the flip side, it might just be that you love and care for them, and your feelings have developed into something more. If you haven’t seen the signs, there is a real risk that telling your friend of your feelings could change your relationship forever. I am not saying that your friend will stop being your friend, but they might view you differently, act differently around you or worse, question everything that they know about you.
We all crave intimacy, for someone to love, it might just be that you are ready for a relationship, so why not try to meet others who would likely return your affections, and if your feelings still do not go away, then you might have to speak honestly with your friend. You know your friend; you know how they will likely react, so you have to evaluate the risks and decide the best course of action. You deserve to be loved for who you are, and I can assure you that if not your best friend, there is someone out there who is waiting to meet and love you.
I wish you the best of luck Jake whatever you decide.
Love always
Dear Moritz,
Thank you for your question, and I know it is difficult, but we are all here for you.
The world has changed a lot over the past fifty years, and society as a whole is a lot more accepting and understanding of people no longer denying their true selves. In this situation, you have to split the problem into two areas, you and then everyone else. Let us start with you. Firstly, this is your life and your decision to take and no one will or should ever tell you what to do. The truth is, this has likely been affecting you for some time, so we understand. Often when we live a lie, we keep back and do not share part of who we are to the world around us. Not only do we suppress or hide who we are, but more likely we will typically go through a cycle of anger at ourselves for hiding and self-loathing for not having the courage to be who we are, but life is not that simple. You can go on to social media and hear amazing and inspiring stories, even people militantly telling you to come out and be proud, but they can only reference their own experiences, and they are only in control of their own life stories. Hiding or sharing is your choice and being scared does not mean you lack courage. I said you had to think about yourself first, try to remove yourself from the situation, what would you do if someone you know came to you with the same dilemma, what advice would you give? If the answer is, keep the situation as it is, you have to think about your happiness and of those that you love. You reached out because clearly, this is something that is affecting you. You deserve to be happy as well, so put your happiness into the decision.
Now let’s talk about everyone else, you know that the people in your life love you. If you stop living a lie, they may well feel betrayed, and it might take a long time for them to come to terms with the real you, but this is a journey, and if you choose to go down this path, you have to accept the risk that it will take work and patience. There is always a risk that some may never be able to accept the situation, but those closest to you will want to try at least. It is hard, and they will be hurt and feel betrayed because they will likely feel that they have been lied to and what they know of you has changed, but you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept the risk and the road ahead?
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide and know that whatever the outcome you are loved and will always be loved
Love always
Dear Friend of Hapi,
Thank you for getting in touch, and I am so sorry to hear that you are being bullied, I know it is not easy, but we are all here for you.
The sad reality is that many within the LGBTQ+ community have experienced bullying or homophobia/transphobia at some point in their lives, so you are not alone. That said, it does not make it right, nor should we allow it to continue. The way your question was phrased “people believe I am gay”, indicates that the bullying is not as a result of you coming out, more that people within your school are bullying you based on their beliefs or opinions. The truth is, it does not matter; either way, bullying is wrong. The reality is that most people that bully are insecure and have likely been bullied themselves at some point, whether at school or at home. They are picking on you to take the attention away from themselves and making them feel a little better, that someone is feeling as bad as they do. Though it is sad, that does not give anyone the right to make someone feel bad or sad. I have known people in the past that have been bullied Infront of teachers or adults, who either joined in or worse pretended like it was not happening. If you are at school and are being bullied, speak to your teacher, if the teacher does not help go to the school principal. When you go to school, your parents are intrusting your safety and care to the school for the entire time you are there, and the school has an obligation to step in and help. Talk to your family, friends, anyone. If the problem is at home, speak to your teachers, call an advice line such as the National Child Abuse Hotline (https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/), reach out, there are a lot of people out there wanting to help you.
For many, being bullied is embarrassing; they experience shame, which is why they keep quiet. Speaking out does not mean you are weak, the opposite; it is making a clear statement that the cycle has to end. If the school or your home are the problem, it needs to be resolved, and sometimes we all need a little help to solve a problem.
I really hope this situation gets resolved quickly for you and remember you are loved, and you will get passed this horrible experience
Love always
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for your question and congratulations. I am thrilled that you are ready to take your relationship to the next stage.
I am not a specialist in immigration law, nor am I able to provide any advice relating to your circumstances; however, I able to share my knowledge and experiences. As you live in the United Kingdom, an excellent and free resource is the Citizens Advice Bureaux (www.citizensadvice.org.uk), who will be able to point you in the direction. Now, based on my experience, typically matters relating to immigration fall into three areas, length of the relationship, your skills and expertise and lastly your ability to support yourself. On the length of the relationship, most countries have a threshold of at least three years, meaning that you have to have been in a committed relationship for three years or more. It is not necessarily about living in the same country for those three years, but proving that you have visited each other frequently and any proof that you have been together during that time. The skills and experiences are another important factor; this one relates to whether you would be able to get a job and support yourself. If your partner can support you financially, they would have to agree to accept the responsibility of you as a financial dependant. If you have specialist skills and qualifications and have experiences that are in demand, that would make your application for a visa much more straightforward. The last area is around financial support and whether or not you would be a burden to the State or government. If you have savings, your partner has a regular income, and they are happy to support you financially, that would strengthen your application.
If you are looking to make a commitment such as marriage, you would need to look into the laws and requirements of the State you are looking to move to. Gay marriage is nationwide (federal law), so all US states now recognise same-sex marriages; however, each State in the US have different rules and requirements when it comes to its citizens, visas etc. It is worthwhile speaking to a specialist in the State you are planning to move to, in order to find out all of your options.
I wish you and your partner the best of luck and hope that are able to be together permanently in the USA.
Love always
Dear Alex,
Thank you for your question and to be honest, it is one that plagues many within the LGBTQ+ community.
It is hard to answer in detail, given that I am unsure where you are planning to visit; however, I will give you the steps I go through when I am in similar situations. A country with a low equality score does not necessarily mean that the country is hostile towards members of the LGBTQ+ community; however, it does mean that the law and the rights of the individuals that reside in that country are restricted or even completely ignored. However, a low equality score is a clear indicator that as a society, they are less likely to be tolerant. If same-sex activities are classified as illegal, and the penalties for prosecution are high, in those circumstances, you would be right to be concerned. Visitors and citizens of a country are treated very differently and if, for example, you are discrete (no public shows of affection) then in most cases your visit would likely go without any events or incidents. Most hotels are probably used to a variety of diverse individuals and situations so they will be more understanding; however, when you visit a country, you will always be subject to those laws.
Check on notice boards, see what people from the LGBTQ+ community say about their experiences, it might be that with discretion you can visit without any problems. The question you should ask yourself is whether you are willing to accept hiding who you are. It might not be too late to change your destination to one of the many countries that have given their citizens the protection of the law and are more understanding and accepting of people living their true selves.
I hope this helps you with your question and should you need any more advice; please contact me.
Love always
Dear David,
Thank you for your question, and I am really sorry that you feel like that and I know many feel as you do. I am sure by me saying that you are beautiful regardless of how you look or feel and that it is not only the outward appearance but also who you are as a person is what makes you beautiful, will not make much difference, but that will not stop me trying.
It is hard to see images of toned men and women in the media, but often, these images are exaggerated, touched up to perfection. There is nothing wrong with a person being physically fit, but who they are on the inside is equally as important. Often our desire to look better and be physically fit is born from the need for us to be desired. When we meet a person, we often are first attracted physically to that person, but as we get to know them better, we can be less or more attracted to them over time. There are many physically appealing individuals that can seem less attracted once you get to know them, it is true when people say that a horrible personality can make the most beautiful person, the ugliest in the room.
Like ice cream, many people like different flavours and for someone out there you are their chocolate flavour (my favourite flavour of ice-cream). However, if you let how you feel stop you from meeting people, likely, you will never get to meet them. You might meet people looking for caramel or mint flavoured ice cream, which is okay, but if you persevere eventually, you will meet someone that you are their preferred flavour.
In this day and age, it is easy to change how you look and your appearance, but you will still be you. Rather than focus on what you do not like or have, look at what you do. Seek help, tell people close to you how you feel, as until you address the underlying problem the issue will not go away.
Remember that even those muscular and fit men and women in those ads still have insecurities, just different to yours. You are beautiful inside and out and know that I and many in your life see the real you. Look through our eyes and see all of the amazing things that makes you, You.
Love always
Dear Friend of Hapi,
Thank you for your question and for reaching out, to start with congratulations you have already achieved the most challenging part, which is being honest with yourself and knowing who you are, of which I am really proud of you and hello to the real you. Many spend a lifetime denying their sexuality or gender to themselves, so you have already achieved a significant milestone.
What outcome are you hoping for? Naturally, we all want to come out to friends and family and receive their immediate acceptance. Though It may be true for some, and hopefully for you as well, the sad truth is that it is not always the case.
Your family most likely have their suspicions, regardless of how discrete you are and have been, however for many ignorance is bliss and when you confirm what they have long suspected, some may feel betrayed and may react negatively.
Plan for the worst – always plan for the worst and any outcome will likely be better than you had anticipated. There is some practical advice in the article “Tips for Coming Out", however accept the possibility that this is a journey and though in the beginning it may be hard, it is likely people over time will come around and accept you for the real you. Often it is mixture of shock and fear of change, however give them the reassurance that you are still you and that your gender or sexual identify is just part of what makes you, you and not the defining factor.
On religion – I believe in many of the teachings and at its core, without all of the interpretations and focusing on one verse and ignoring the rest, religions preach the same message, a model for living a good life and honouring those around you. When it comes to family, love is a powerful thing, especially the love a parent has for a child. Regardless of the religion, though some have the belief and class same-sex activities as a sin, they fail to remember the rest of the teachings.
If you accept the belief that we have sinned, it is ours alone. I do not believe God or whatever deity you believe in, punishes people for loving and being both a good and honest person and rewards those that are not good and lie, but just happen to be heterosexual.
Do not feel pressured to come out, do it when you are ready and remember you are still you; you are just sharing a part of yourself with those closest to you.
Good luck, be brave and know that Agony Zir is proud of you whatever you choose to do.
Love always
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