The Agony Zir service has been built and modelled around the agony aunt concept. Agony aunts or advice columns have been around for over 50 years and are typically found within newspapers or magazines in which readers write in to ask for advice concerning problems that they may be facing. Traditionally it was a woman that would write the agony aunt columns providing practical information and tips for readers.
Agony Zir is different, to start with zie is gender fluid and identifies with the gender pronouns Zie, Zim, Zir, Zis and Zieself. As someone who is experienced in life given their age, they can provide a unique perspective on problems you may be facing. Not only that, Agony Zir is not a comments board in which trolls can post mean or hurtful remarks, though anyone can reply to a question providing their personal take on the problem faced, it still needs to be submitted and assessed to ensure that it is not questionable, abusive or offensive. The service is designed to help and be a safe place to share ideas and concerns.
Agony Zir is here for you, so get in touch and let zir help…
Important: If you are facing serious situations (health, financial, legal etc.) or are in immediate danger, please do not delay and contact one of the many available support groups, charities or emergency services in your country. Agony Zir is here for you, but your health and safety are the number one priority and remember you are not alone and are important.
Click on the question to reveal the answers
Dear Friend of Hapi,
Thank you for your question and for reaching out, to start with congratulations you have already achieved the most challenging part, which is being honest with yourself and knowing who you are, of which I am really proud of you and hello to the real you. Many spend a lifetime denying their sexuality or gender to themselves, so you have already achieved a significant milestone.
What outcome are you hoping for?
Naturally, we all want to come out to friends and family and receive their immediate acceptance. Though It may be true for some, and hopefully for you as well, the sad truth is that it is not always the case.
Your family most likely have their suspicions, regardless of how discrete you are and have been, however for many ignorance is bliss and when you confirm what they have long suspected, some may feel betrayed and may react negatively.
Plan for the worst – always plan for the worst and any outcome will likely be better than you had anticipated. There is some practical advice in the article “Tips for Coming Out", however accept the possibility that this is a journey and though in the beginning it may be hard, it is likely people over time will come around and accept you for the real you. Often it is mixture of shock and fear of change, however give them the reassurance that you are still you and that your gender or sexual identify is just part of what makes you, you and not the defining factor.
On religion – I believe in many of the teachings and at its core, without all of the interpretations and focusing on one verse and ignoring the rest, religions preach the same message, a model for living a good life and honouring those around you. When it comes to family, love is a powerful thing, especially the love a parent has for a child. Regardless of the religion, though some have the belief and class same-sex activities as a sin, they fail to remember the rest of the teachings.
If you accept the belief that we have sinned, it is ours alone. I do not believe God or whatever deity you believe in, punishes people for loving and being both a good and honest person and rewards those that are not good and lie, but just happen to be heterosexual.
Do not feel pressured to come out, do it when you are ready and remember you are still you; you are just sharing a part of yourself with those closest to you.
Good luck, be brave and know that Agony Zir is proud of you whatever you choose to do.
Thank you for your question, and I am really sorry that you feel like that and I know many feel as you do. I am sure by me saying that you are beautiful regardless of how you look or feel and that it is not only the outward appearance but also who you are as a person is what makes you beautiful, will not make much difference, but that will not stop me trying.
It is hard to see images of toned men and women in the media, but often, these images are exaggerated, touched up to perfection. There is nothing wrong with a person being physically fit, but who they are on the inside is equally as important. Often our desire to look better and be physically fit is born from the need for us to be desired. When we meet a person, we often are first attracted physically to that person, but as we get to know them better, we can be less or more attracted to them over time. There are many physically appealing individuals that can seem less attracted once you get to know them, it is true when people say that a horrible personality can make the most beautiful person, the ugliest in the room.
Like ice cream, many people like different flavours and for someone out there you are their chocolate flavour (my favourite flavour of ice-cream). However, if you let how you feel stop you from meeting people, likely, you will never get to meet them. You might meet people looking for caramel or mint flavoured ice cream, which is okay, but if you persevere eventually, you will meet someone that you are their preferred flavour.
In this day and age, it is easy to change how you look and your appearance, but you will still be you. Rather than focus on what you do not like or have, look at what you do. Seek help, tell people close to you how you feel, as until you address the underlying problem the issue will not go away.
Remember that even those muscular and fit men and women in those ads still have insecurities, just different to yours. You are beautiful inside and out and know that I and many in your life see the real you. Look through our eyes and see all of the amazing things that makes you, You.
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